"这让你觉得在阿富汗做一个女人是一种错误。"
这是喀布尔一位年轻女子的话，她描述了2021年8月，由美国领导的北约军队混乱撤离，塔利班重新掌权后，阿富汗首都的生活景象，距今已五年。
自那时起，在自称为“阿富汗伊斯兰酋长国”的极端主义政权的统治下，约有2200万妇女和女孩眼睁睁看着她们曾经拥有的权利被剥夺。
“一开始是禁止上学，然后是去市场，去旅行，然后是工作，上大学，”这位女子说。“感觉就像要呼吸都需要得到许可。”
为了保护她免受此次采访或她之前为加拿大资助的阿富汗项目工作的潜在报复，我将称她为X。
在过去五年里，塔利班发布了数十项旨在压制妇女的法令。
她们被禁止在没有男性监护人的情况下外出，被禁止从事大多数工作，也被禁止在小学以上接受教育。她们不允许去公园、游乐场、健身房或美容院，甚至不允许在公共场合大声喧哗。
联合国妇女署（致力于性别平等的联合国机构）今年夏天的一份报告发现，接受调查的阿富汗妇女中有一半“由于行动和公共场所准入受到严重限制”，每月只外出一次或两次。
“就像你住在家里，外面有僵尸，”X说。“如果我们出去，会有很多人攻击我们。”
“只要不戴合适的头巾，她们就可以逮捕我们。如果我这样出去，她们一秒钟都不会允许，”她说，指的是视频通话时她佩戴的浅色头巾，脸部暴露在外。
痛苦和失望
这对所有阿富汗妇女来说都是一种令人窒息的现实，但对X来说，这层痛苦和失望更加深重。
在西方军队撤离阿富汗之前，她曾为加拿大环球事务部（GAC）资助的援助组织工作，负责实施渥太华的阿富汗目标，其中包括赋予妇女和女童权力。
她在社区里担任一个面向公众的职务。
塔利班掌权后，这份工作让她处于危险之中。这份工作也意味着她有资格申请加拿大政府于2021年7月推出的针对协助加拿大政府的阿富汗人的特别移民措施计划（SIMs），她和其他数千人一样提出了申请。
加拿大移民、难民和公民部的一位发言人周五表示，自2021年8月以来，加拿大已通过包括SIMs计划在内的所有移民途径，接待了65,540名阿富汗人。
发言人表示，在这些数字中，加拿大已批准了SIMs计划收到的20,605份申请中的16,560份，共有16,525人抵达加拿大。
其中一项要求是获得GAC或国防部（Department of National Defence）的背书，证明相关个人与加拿大有着“持久的关系”。
X获得了这项背书。
“GAC的全力支持”
“我可以向您保证，您的申请已获资格并已转交IRCC相关部门，”GAC阿富汗项目的一名发展官员写信给她。
“我个人可以确认，您的案件已获得GAC的全力支持。”
尽管如此，X从未收到IRCC正式申请该计划的邀请。
2023年秋季，当我首次远程采访她，讲述塔利班统治下的生活时，她仍在等待这封邀请函。
在塔利班向喀布尔推进之际，她于2021年8月6日收到了SIMs计划申请的收据回复。
一年后，在多次询问SIMs申请状态后，她收到回复，告知她由于未收到IRCC的申请邀请，她的申请已被取消。
我本人就她的情况和整个系统提出的询问也石沉大海。
申请去了哪里？
X并非孤例。
2022年，时任新民主党移民事务评论员、国会议员 Jenny Kwan 声称，政府遗失了2,900份SIMs申请。
还有一些传闻表明，其他人的申请也消失在官僚主义的黑洞中。
一位寻求协助加拿大武装部队在阿富汗的当地支援人员的退役加拿大上校表示，在不堪重负的IRCC系统中，一些申请被遗失或未得到承认。
“我真的没想过会被抛下，”X在我们最近的谈话中说。“我曾期望加拿大政府会帮助我。”
这种被抛弃的感觉加剧了她和许多其他阿富汗人在西方支持的喀布尔政府垮台后，对外部世界的那种沉重感。
对X来说，这导致了抑郁，睡眠既是症状，也是应对机制。
看到自己的未来突然受挫，过去成就的价值被抹杀的震惊依然困扰着她。
“在阿富汗，心理健康简直是个笑话，”她说。“我不仅仅是为自己着想。我想到的是现在每一个待在家里的女孩。”
与外界的几个联系
X的生活比许多阿富汗人要优越。她的家人负担得起互联网，这至少提供了了解外部世界的一扇窗。她还在网上继续学习统计学。
她与年迈的父母和妹妹住在一起，但有一个已婚的妹妹住在¿和¿¿¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡”, said the woman. “[It feels] like you have to get permission to breathe even.”
To protect her from any potential repercussions from this interview or for her previous work for Canadian-funded projects in Afghanistan, I will refer to her as X.
Over the past five years, the Taliban have issued dozens of edicts aimed at suppressing women.
They are forbidden from being outside without a male guardian, from holding most jobs and studying beyond primary school. They're not allowed to visit parks or playgrounds or gyms or salons or even raise their voices in public.
A report this summer by UN Women, the UN body dedicated to gender equality, found that half of Afghan women surveyed were only leaving their homes once or twice a month "because of severe restrictions on their movement and access to public spaces."
"[It's] like you're living at home [and] there are zombies outside," said X. "If we go outside, there are so many people that can attack us.
"They can arrest us with just not wearing a proper hijab. If I go like this outside, they will not allow me for one second," she said, referring to the light headscarf she was wearing during our video call, her face exposed.
Pain and disappointment
It is a suffocating reality for all Afghan women, but for X it has an added layer of pain and disappointment.
Before the Western exodus from Afghanistan, she worked for aid organizations funded by Global Affairs Canada (GAC), implementing Ottawa's Afghanistan objectives, which included the empowerment of women and girls.
Hers was a public-facing role in the community.
That work put her at risk when the Taliban took over. The work also meant she was entitled to apply for the Special Immigration Measures Program (SIMs) for Afghans who assisted the government of Canada introduced in July 2021, which she did, along with thousands of others.
A spokesperson for Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada said Friday that the country has welcomed 65,540 Afghans under all immigration streams, including the SIMs program, since August 2021.
Within those numbers, Canada has approved 16,560 applications out of 20,605 received for the SIMs program, resulting in 16,525 arrivals to Canada, the spokesperson said.
One of the requirements was an endorsement by GAC or the Department of National Defence stating that the individual in question had an "enduring relationship with Canada."
X was given that endorsement.
'Full endorsement of GAC'
"I can assure you that your application has been deemed eligible and referred to the relevant authorities at IRCC," a development officer from GAC's Afghanistan program wrote to her.
"I can personally confirm that your case has been given the full endorsement of GAC."
Despite that, X was never issued an invitation to formally apply to the program from IRCC.
She was still waiting for that invitation in the fall of 2023 when I first interviewed her remotely for a story about life under the Taliban.
She had received a reply of receipt to her request for the SIMs program on Aug. 6, 2021, as the Taliban advanced on Kabul.
A year later, after having enquired to the status of her SIMs application more than once, she received a response telling her that because she had not been issued an invitation to apply by IRCC, her application had been cancelled.
My own inquiries to GAC over her situation and the system in general went unanswered.
Where did the applications go?
X wasn't alone.
In 2022, the NDP's immigration critic at the time, MP Jenny Kwan, alleged that the government had lost 2,900 SIMs applications.
There is also anecdotal evidence of others having their applications disappear into a bureaucratic black hole.
One retired Canadian colonel seeking to assist local support staff for the Canadian Armed Forces in Afghanistan has said applications were lost or unacknowledged in an overwhelmed IRCC system.
"I really didn't think that I will have been left behind," X said in our recent conversation. "I had expectations that the government of Canada would have helped me."
The sense of abandonment adds to the weight she and many other Afghans feel toward the outside world after the collapse of the Western-backed government in Kabul.
For X, it led to depression, with sleep a symptom of, and a coping mechanism for, that depression.
The shock of seeing her future so abruptly stunted and the value of her past accomplishments erased is still with her.
"The mental wellness is a joke [in Afghanistan]," she said. "I do not only think about myself. I think about every girl who is staying at home right now."
A few connections to the outside world
X lives a more privileged life than many Afghans. Her family can afford the internet, which offers at least a window on the outside world. And she has continued to study statistics online.
She lives with elderly parents and a sister but has a married sister living in the U.S. and a brother in Canada who X says assumed she would be able to join him through the SIMs program.
Her father's poor health has meant he is rarely able to act as guardian or mahram for the women in the household when they need or want to go out.
She cites that as one reason for accepting a marriage proposal, a decision she says she made without any pressure from her parents.
"I have always considered myself [to be] strong.
"But when the outside world is cruel to you and they do not accept your existence, and they might even respect an animal rather than a woman … you get this feeling of at least having a man by your side you at least can go somewhere without those fears and you have at least someone to depend on."
Looking for more security
Some of the most recent Taliban decrees "place husbands in a position of legal authority over their wives and limiting women's ability to seek justice," according to the UN Women report. And they "implicitly permit" child marriage and only criminalize violence against women within a marriage when it results in "severe visible physical injuries."
X hopes her decision to marry will offer her family more security.
"I was saying OK, at least he will be like a son to this family. Because our brother is not here, he will support us."
It doesn't mean she has given up on her hope of immigrating to Canada.
The government of Canada's website says that while all spots for the SIMs program have been filled, existing applications will continue to be processed.
Whether X's name is among them is anybody's guess.
Over the summer, X wrote a letter to Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney and Immigration Minister Lena Metlege Diab.
"Today, women in Afghanistan are facing severe restrictions, isolation and danger," it said. "Every day feels smaller, darker and more uncertain. For someone like me who believed in education, equality and humanitarian work, the risk is not abstract. It is real and immediate.
"I respectfully ask you to reconsider my case and help ensure that those who served alongside Canadian initiatives are not left behind," she wrote.
"Please do not let my story end in silence."